Someone I trust recently said to me ” You are so much nicer now that you are dating Shawn.” Immediately my defenses went up and my first thought was…was I mean before?! My second thought was that the only person I am conscious of being mean to is myself. After some reflection it clicked. Who you are on the outside is directly affected by who you are on the inside. It may appear that I am nicer now that I have a boyfriend but I think the real change is that I am happy. 
Happiness can be a scary thing to achieve. I try so hard not to feel this but I can’t help but think…when does this end?! When does it start to fall apart again? I pray for never. I work for never. But there is always that destructive voice in my head saying do not get to comfortable in this happy place.
Why??! Why do we do that to ourselves? Why can’t we be nice enough to ourselves to live in this happy place indefinitely? Why can’t we be comfortable here?
I look around at the people that I have surrounded myself with and I mostly see happiness. But I think the reality is that there may be happy times, happy events, happy changes but we are all scared of either finding it or even worse not finding it. Are we always pushing for that next burst of whatever we think will make us happier? Or is it possible to be content to be right where we are?
I work so hard to make sure everyone around me is happy that I sometimes forget that the more I take care of myself the more successful I will be in making them happy. Taking care of the inside. This is the most apparent with my relationship with my S buds (aka Shawn and Sam). They are the two people I spend most of my time with. And I say this lovingly…they are needy.
As Sam continues to grow and mature he needs me less and less. I know that is how it is suppose to go but this kid is moving and grooving and it is scary at times how independent he is. It will not be long before he is out on his own and will not really need me for anything. We have to get through driving first so yall PRAY for us! And we have worked so hard to get him to this place but now that we are getting there I feel strangely overwhelmed. Some what relieved but also down right anxious to see what God has planned for us next.
What is next is where God has truly blessed me with Shawn. He does directly make me nicer because he makes me a better person. He makes me feel good about myself. He is a calming voice of reason in the sea of emotions my brain generates. He is patient and kind and I am lucky to be able to take all the good things about him and model them. And it is not only me that benefits from his positive force. His growing relationship with Sam have absolutely solidified that God has put him in our lives for a reason. Now the reality is that he can NOT physically put his dirty laundry in the hamper! He can only do rolling stops through stop signs and he can be super frustrating at the grocery store! But I am SO THANKFUL that I get to be nicer because of the influence of my bud! I am 100% okay with being thought of as nicer because of him. Ultimately it is a change I have made on the inside, and I pray that this happiness will continue not matter what life throws my way…
