This one is real yall.  Real emotions. Real thoughts. Real confusion. Real hurt. Real hard.  I have put off writing this
1. because I wanted to wait until the dust settled &
2. because it is so hard.

Sam is no longer living with me.  I knew the day would come, I didn’t think it would come so soon and in the way it came.  I wish that I could rationalize it fully but my head and my heart are completely separate.  I am not sure that Sam can see the truth or the big picture, who could at 17.  But at some point I pray that God will let him see what happened here and he can feel as at peace about it as I do.  I will spare you all the gory details of what happened but it was ultimately Sam’s decision to leave and not return.  It has taken a minute but I do truly feel that my staring role in his journey has come to an end.  That God has a different plan for both of us.  I am not sure I would be as at peace or feel that way if things hadn’t happened the way they did.  I have to take responsibility for my actions which were all motivated to help and push Sam.  Maybe too hard, too fast, too intense.

I have to forgive myself for my imperfect attempts at becoming a parent to a teenager that has been put through the wringer and kind of, barely come out on the other side.  I have to pray that the seeds that were planted will grow with maturity and development.  I will continue to think positively (and pray so hard) that he will not follow in his parent’s footsteps and that history will not repeat itself.  I have to trust that God ultimately has a plan and I am not privy to the details.  The what his future holds and what my future holds is not what I had planned but what God has planned.  I am sleeping at night because I know (and Sam knows) deep down I gave it all I have got.  Were there things that could have been done different…of course…are there decisions I will second guess…of course.  But the root of what happened here is so life changing for both of us I will not spend any time wondering why it happened.  Sam is angry and he has every right to be. He struggles with authority and rules and that will be a lifelong struggle.  He has a hard time feeling anything at all, even anger…and that is one of the scariest things I have ever witnessed.  I am by no means perfect.  I am selfish and excited to move forward with my life and my goals maybe have my own kids.  I am hard and pushy and expectant.  I am a problem solver and a challenger seeker and this is one problem I could not fix no matter how much I kept trying.

With all the good, the bad, and the ugly of this situation I still love the person I know is buried in there under all of the stuff.  I didn’t do this to make any more friends.  I think I have the best of those already.  I did this to change his life and in the meantime changed my own.  I will never stop trying to help, I am not sure I can.  But for right now I am focused on leaning back and taking all that God has to give to me.  I am focused on growing personally, professionally and relationally. I do not want to leave any stone unturned, opportunity passed by, or moment missed.  Do I want to be there for all the moments I hope Sam has?!  Of course.  But I am happy to step back and cheer from a far.  Pride was a big point of contention between us and I will not let mine get in the way of still wanting the best.  I simply want the best for both of us and for right now that means moving forward and not losing site on how far we have come.  All you prayer warriors out there…please pray for peace for Sam.  Thanks for always supporting.