We are in the home stretch of Sam’s first camp experience. I leave Thursday for Raleigh, to pick him up on Friday on the east coast of NC. I could not be more excited to get him back! While quite a bit has changed in our home, in my work, and personal life, one thing remains constant…my drive to have Sam be a part of my life. This break has been so different than I thought it would be. In the beginning I felt guilty for being excited for a break. Now I am excited for the break to end. Which leads me to believe that I am in the right place with Sam. That I need to continue to look at the bigger picture.
This past weekend I had some good reminders of staying true to who I am no matter what. Sometimes you let people in only to find out that their purpose for your life is to remind you what is important and what is not. You get a good reminder about shutting up and walking away. If someone is trying to hurt you and you do not understand why…how do you show them grace? Do you walk away? Do you get defensive and respond? Do you ponder what is going on in their life? Do you try to figure it out and make it better? Do you give up and move on? What is the graceful thing to do?
One thing I do know is that I do not know the right answer to this question. I think I tried all of the above and got no where this weekend. I am so confused and baffled at the events that I all I can think about is what else could I have done? Did I do something to deserve this?
I do believe that these challenges keep coming into my life when I am far from being the person I truly want to be. When I am trying so hard to be “nice,” “funny,” or make someone else happy. That is when I am most out of control of what is really going on. I spend way to much time trying to control what can not be controlled and I forget that I can only control me. What I can control is how I let people treat me. And for some reason this weekend…people needed to unleash on me. I want to be a stronger person and not play the victim. I want to show them grace. I want to believe that there is a bigger message here. So instead of just wanting this…I am going to choose this.
Bigger picture time. I have an amazing life. No one can “shake it out” of me. I am blessed to be in a dream career in a challenging industry. I am blessed with a supportive and loving family that is so quirky it equals perfection. I am blessed to be surrounded by fun, adventure and water (Astrologically true to my Pisces sign). I am blessed with entertaining and affectionate pets that make my life better. I am blessed to have friends that keep me on my toes, out smart me and push me to be a better person. Bigger picture…I have an amazing life.
Sam is quite the lover of music. He says that it helps him feel better. I laugh because he hates it when I yell at him (which I must stop here and say that is very rare that I do) but he loves when his music involves screaming! While we have different tastes in music the one thing we do agree on is that it does make you feel better. I heard the song by Florence and the Machine, Shake it Out and thought that the lyrics were very apropos to the way I am feeling….so I will be shaking it out and dancing for the future…focusing on what is right and what I can control…me.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa…
And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Writer(s): Paul Epworth, Thomas Edward Percy Hull, Florence Leontine Mary WelchCopyright: Florence And The Machine Ltd., Emi Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Ltd.