10 Things I have learned while have THE WORST poison ivy case of my life….
1. I am SO VAIN. Like so, so vain. I really think this song is about me vain. So vain I am pretty sure I am even named after Carly Simon and she wrote that song about me. Vain people should stay away from poison ivy.
2. Want to freak some one out, make them jump back or just avoid all possible physical contact…tell them you have poison ivy. Wave infected area at them for a good belly laugh.
3. No one has any idea how poison ivy really works. Guess what…once that oil is soaked in…it is mine forever! YOU CAN NOT HAVE ANY! All mine. Literally no one has contracted poison ivy from me…and I am COVERED. Aren’t I the selfish one?!
4. Poison ivy can cause scars…large weird scars also freak people out. Chrissy…I am stealing nurse shark attack explanation.
5. 15 year old boys think they are invincible from like EVERYTHING. Even poison ivy. They are either sane enough to know that it doesn’t spread that way…or insane enough to not even care.
6. Pregnant women who have Kankles…I already felt bad for you…now I have literally felt your pain…and I feel more than bad…it is like 12 on the richter scale of pain, even with the numbness. And I had only one foot affected. Holy swollen water retention batman. I’d rather have poison ivy…oh wait?
7. I have no self control. Everyone I encountered all had the same advice after they violently jumped away from me. “Well don’t scratch it.” Well guys…I did. I scratched it. Because it felt amazing and was the only time I didn’t want to scream. Oh and because I have NO SELF CONTROL!
8. Prednisone is the devil’s medicine…but poison ivy is his plant. (Public Service Announcement: do not ever, ever google prednisone…ever.)
9. Paying someone to do your yard work -$200 Doing your own yard work followed by creams, sprays, alcohol, cotton swabs, gauze, medical tape, time missed at work -$1,000,000. One word….outsourcing.
10. Sleep is a mythical creature I will one day soon find again. Waking yourself up scratching will humble you in ways you never thought possible. No control in the dark with no end or sleep in sight is a scary thing. Please miraculous body heal so I can get some sleep and not want to yell at every…single…person…I…encounter.
