“I haven’t slept since November…..”

Today I joked that I had not slept since November!  I joked because November was the month that Sam came to live with me.  Today I dropped him off at a month long camp.  And all I want to do is sleep….

Which means it is probably the worst time to write a blog, but maybe my vulnerability will shine through my lack of energy.  It is time for me to start sharing my story.  To share it as it is happening.  It is sensitive to share because I am not the type of person that can cover up the realities and the the truths.  I fear that this will hurt someone.  But my reality is that I can not worry about hurting the people involved in this.  It is time for me to start sharing my story.  The good, the bad, the real.

So here goes….November 2013….I win an award.  My amazing parent came to support me and after the ceremony we were catching up on our family and “the Boys” came up.  The boys are my 2nd cousins and they are 12 and 14.  Really, really, really long story short…the boys were not in a good place.  DSS (department of social services) was moving in fast. In an attempt to make things better in my ever challenging family…I said….”I can give them a safe place to live.  I can feed them.  I can help.” I’d like to think that we swooped in with our Super Hero Capes… (never miss a chance to plug leapoffaithclothing.com click to see the cutest capes ever!)…on and saved the day!  And most days it feels like that and some it feels like we are Wile E Coyote…flying off a cliff in slow motion…looking to right for someone to save us.

I took another Leap of Faith (2nd shameless plug) and the boys came to live with me.  Instant Foster Mom.  Instant Single Mom.  Almost right away I knew that I took on to much.  I am not a birth Mom. I have had very little experience parenting.  All I have is instincts.

And instincts immediately triggered that I had to humbled myself and say I can not do this.  Thankfully I was able to get help.  The details into how this whole thing happened will never be erased from my mind…but I will not bore you with them.  Nothing that dramatic. Just know that I did the right thing and for the right reasons.  And once that cloud moved past our mountain…a bright young light name Sam emerged.

So much has happened since November.  In some ways it feels like a lifetime.  In others it feels like my life is flying by.  I was scrolling through some pictures and pulled up one of the first pictures I took of Sam after he moved in.  He looked like a little kid!  I looked to my right and sure enough he was there…but that kid was gone.  A challenging young man is emerging right before my eyes.  I am not sure if all parents see this happen, but it will always be a wonder to me.  How magical are we that we change each day?

To watch a scared, hungry, skinny, awkward boy turn into a confident, muscular, smart, (but still awkward) young man has humbled me.  He is strong in so many ways.  He is also confused in so many ways.  I almost didn’t think he was going to make it to camp.  The last month has by far been the hardest.  I thought…guess the honeymoon is over….but really I think that Sam was developing.  He was pushing…pushing me…pushing his friends…pushing his teachers….pushing.  I had to dig really deep a remember how hard being a 9th grader was.  And I was a 9th grader in a bubble.  My bubble was safe, warm, and easy.  His bubble is a brick.  While his reality has changed…his reality has CHANGED.  Change is hard. I say it all the time. Even good changes are hard.

So today…I dropped my bud off at camp for 4 weeks.  Bittersweet seems to be the only word that can describe this feeling.  While selfishly I am relieved to have a break, in the same breath I feel guilty to want a break.  Foster parent truth time…taking a break is hard when you are on your own.  Having the right support around you is essential.  Not taking a break is damaging to both of you.  The guilt probably will not go away…at least it hasn’t for me yet!

It is a huge honor for Sam to be able to attend this camp.  My sister and I attended for most of our summers.  I had no idea the emotions and nostalgia I would feel today, or the appreciation I would feel for my parents to give that gift to us.  I was so proud of how strong and confident Sam was.  I know one thing is true…I was never as confident as he was walking into camp today.  He is going to have so much fun and probably not think a thing about me.  But on this side I will most likely being thinking about him quite a bit.  The one thing I have promised myself is that I will enjoy my freedom.  Most parents probably do not get this type of break so I am going to make the most of it and remember that it is an honor for me as well!  So here is to an awesome summer…the start of camp…and the start of me sharing my story…better put…our story from my perspective!