An adventure can have two outcomes positive or negative and I like to think of my dating life as that…an adventure. Most of the time it is positive. Lots of times I see it as negative. My goal for 2015 is to find happily ever after. I like to think of it this way because it is not just a marriage that I want. It is not just a ring. It is not just to find someone. It is really all about that Happily Ever After. And not in the fairy tale sense. More in the realistic…I want to love and be loved forever sense. With all my flaws and all my strengths. So before I get there…I need to reflect on a few things.
I have been digging really deep to try and understand what shattered my last relationship and the one before that because they started and ended very similiarly. I have started a self help type of advice program that is about building relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but familial, friendly even work related. What has been revealed very quickly is that I have been putting off a CEO vibe. We as a society have gotten our masculine and feminine roles confused. I was raised to be a doer and when it comes to romantic relationships this hurts me. Meaning that instead of letting someone take care of me…I just do it myself…I run the show. In a traditional relationship (which is what I want) the man HAS to be the doer. He actually wants to do the work, now I need to figure out how to let him!
Looking back…I have never let a man that I am in a relationship with be the doer. I always am taking care of things…making dinner…making plans…paying…heck even driving the car! In my defense I feel like I have been trapped by this a few times. For example, going back to the last relationship, I was asked to “be yourself”. And while I was true to myself guess what I am good at and what my instincts are…to plan and do. WRONG Carly! I was challenged to “call/text more”. WRONG Carly! And the one that I think really ended things I was challenged by the statement of “I need to be invited.” And this was the beginning of the end! In my mind it should feel like doors are opening and that this is the best thing in the world! We as women hear this and think…this guy really likes me. He wants to spend more time with me and I have all these amazing things happening that I would love to share with him. So we do what we do best and we start doing. Never going to work Carly!
So what did I do? I started planning. We also were at a huge disadvantage because we had started a travel blog together. Travel takes lots planning and doing. Naturally I kicked into over drive and it drove him away…quickly. Confusing right? All this is happening so fast and coming at you a million miles an hour and it is SO HARD to see what is really happening.
When you are always doing…you are not connecting with your heart. You are connecting with your brain. Typical CEO…always thinking ahead instead of feeling the success of the moment. On one hand I am so happy to come to this realization. On the other I am so sad to have truly loved and lost because I couldn’t let it go.
I have also realized that the match may not work. A man that is used to a woman of a high level of difficulty (aka she cheats, is high maintenance, has a high level of dependency, or lack of a giving nature) is probably never going to work for me. My level of independence and giving nature will never pair well with someone who wants a high level of difficulty. Even though I think I am very interesting I may be to simple. So better to have loved and lost than ended up at a dead end!
For the men that have told me they are reading this (btw your secret is safe with me)…please step up for the female in your life. If you want to be the masculine energy in the relationship and something feels off…step up, start doing more. Do it first. Ask us on a date and make the plans, drive the car, call us, text us…do not trap us. We can so quickly shift the energy because ladies these days were raised to DO. We have a really hard time letting someone else do for us. Here is a great blog from a man’s perspective on this. I think he says it way better than I can…
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/bnr-sexiest-3-words-man-can-say-woman/
I am no expert by any means but I hope that this helps someone that may be going through the same challenges. I have quickly shifted my energy out of CEO and I can say that it is working. Strangely I feel more in control than I ever have before. It is a huge relief to just sit back and let things happen. The guys that are consistently making an effort are the ones that are getting the dates. Before I would have nudged the situation along to make the date happen….now if he isn’t doing the work he is falling by the way side. My heart is so open right now I can only hope that it is a matter of time before someone captures it and will not let it go! Happy New Year and Happily Ever After!
