Someone important to me encouraged me to share the reality the hardships we are going through, not just all the positive things. To be honest…I have a really hard time with this.
Have you ever been asked the question…”If you could have a superpower, what would it be?” My answer is that I would be able to protect everyone around me. Think Bella Swan in the final story of Twilight. She creates a shield to protect her family and keep the foes away.
I wish I could do that but we are not 400 years old, we can not move at the speed of light, and we do not survive off of blood (especially this vegetarian). We do however drive a silver Volvo! Ha! Bottom line I only partially have this super power. So here it is…
Things are rough…
Think of it like this…you drop your favorite coffee mug and it shatters. You pick up all the pieces and start to put it back together but it is one piece per day because you have to wait for the glue to dry. Day 14 of your repair a strong blast comes through the room and the pieces start flying off. You feel so frustrated because you have worked hard, been patient, and all you want is to see the beauty of the mug again, even if it is a bit rougher than before. At what point do you say…I am not sure me putting a piece on is enough and what if that blast comes again? At what point do you find someone who has a kiln to help?
The pieces are flying off right now in quite a few aspects of my life. It is literally heart breaking. My heart hurts because I want love to be enough. I am motivated and committed but that is also not enough.
With Sam we are at a place where I am not sure where to go next…Sam is resistant to therapy. He is resistant to my help. He has little respect for authority. He is still acting out in dangerous ways. He is struggling at school and may not be allowed to stay there. After an amazing year of ups and downs it has become very apparent that we are taking 3 steps forward and 12 back. We are working the system we have, and it is broken.
How do you help someone who does not want help? How do you discipline someone who doesn’t care if they lose everything? How do you motivate someone to do the right thing when all they have ever known is wrong? This is where we are stuck.
I was just reading back through this blog and I re-read the one I wrote about rerouting, specifically in my love life. Well ironically I started a relationship with someone who I thought wanted to go a different direction with me. I truly had myself believing that this one was different. But guess what…it was! It was not that he was different…turns out he had most of the same (very normal) doubts as most of the other men I dated, but I was different. I didn’t make the same mistakes, I have some regrets and would like to request a few do-overs, but I am proud of who I was. This probably sounds silly but I can’t remember the last time I did this…I was open, honest, vulnerable, thoughtful and I put my heart out there. I wanted him to protect it, like I wanted to protect his. But the timing was not right and that is ok…because I believe that God is leading me to the man that will protect my heart so I can soar. I love this quote…kind of funny I saved this while using my navigation!
In the same breath of all this happening with my relationship and Sam, we attended Sam’s Mom’s graduation from her rehab program. They set it up like a real college graduation. They walk across the stage, get a class ring, a diploma and give a speech. Kim’s speech was very touching. I was so proud of all she has accomplished. The reason that Kim ended up at Trosa is because my cousin Josh passed away from a drug overdose. His Mom, Tammy, had found out about Trosa right before Josh’s death and was in the process of getting him in the program. Kim said to Tammy…”I have a life today, because of your loss.” Such powerful insight. Sam’s Dad has also entered the program, so he was in the crowd hearing all of this.
(Tammy, Josh, Jim, and Nate.)
The fact that they have gotten a true second chance reminded me that everyone deserves that. It is what I am trying to give Sam. It is what I am trying to give myself. I was surprised that Kim called me out in her speech. I will never forget that she said I had a strength that she had never seen. After the 48+ hours of trauma we had just been through…I felt so far from strong. Now I can see that she is right. I am strong. We WILL find an answer for Sam. I have no doubt he will also get his chance to soar. And while I would usually take weeks to rebound from rejection, I feel like I have already found peace. I am now strong enough to see that no matter what I get handed that it is the way I deal with it that determines how I move forward. I could be mad and bitter, but that is not productive. I could give up on Sam and walk away, but that is not productive either. I am choosing EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR and EVERY MINUTE to practice inhaling the future and exhaling the past.
Thanks for bearing with me on this long and hard to write post….