Pit stop, being brave and an update on Sam…

I feel like this may be the right time to post this.  I have written and rewritten it and it is time to let it go…

After a year of Sam being here and trying to rehab him with the resources available to me,  we have reached a holding pattern.  Not a holding pattern of calm, a holding pattern of repeating dangerous behaviors and past mistakes.

Something has to give.  I feel that I have a small window of opportunity to keep Sam away from all of the real temptations that are out there for teenagers these days.  When I say small…weeks…days…minutes.  Getting Sam out of his previous environment was to get him away from all of these temptations.  It is only natural that now they are knocking at our door.  And we are not ready.  I also wanted to help Sam with the demons that comes along with neglect and abuse.  And we barely broke ground on this.

I have to take a step back (still backing up!) and say that I am only one person.  I am one person that is running a business, with employees.  I am one person that is very interested in finding happily ever after.  I am one person that loves her friends.  I am one person that loves her family.  I am only one person.

With everything coming at Sam and I…and at the pace that it was coming we needed to make a change.  I can not stress how lucky I am to have the support system that I have.  As a unit we have decided that Sam needs more help than me as one person can give him.

After much prayer and searching, we have found the right place.  Sam is attending the newly formed NC Boys Academy on Lake Hickory.  I thought the last 12 months were the longest but I assure you the next 14 months will be the longest of my life.   Specifically the first three months where I can have no contact with Sam.  For the last 380 days my thoughts have been focused on Sam.  He has been everyday.  Now what?

The director of the program put it best…this is just a pit stop in the race of life.  This is a pit stop for both of us.  Because I DO NOT want to send him away.  Selfishly I want him to be here everyday still.  It is not the right instinct on my part…but I would lying if I didn’t admit that it was what I wanted.   But this is not about me and never has been.  This is about Sam and giving him a future.  I hate that I was not enough to give him that, but I am not.  I am only one person.

And one of the things that is hurting us the most is that I am not a man and Sam needs a father figure now.  In 15 months his Dad will be nearing the end of his program as well.  I am hoping that when Sam comes home (back to Charlotte) that it will be the right time for he and his Dad to start over.  I also hope that I can use these next months to focus on my love life and bring in a strong man who wants to not only be part of my life but also part of Sam’s.   We had a funny conversation before he left that went something like this…

Sam- “What are you going to do while I am gone?”

Carly- “I am not sure?  What do you think I should do?”

Sam- “I think you should find a boyfriend.  One that will stick around!”

Carly-……… (aka speechless)

He is wise in so many ways because it is time for me to focus on me.  There is some reason that good people walk out of my life and I can only control and change me so I have promised myself I will work to be better (Stay tuned because I will be sharing more news on my dating adventures!  Have to keep yall entertained some how! Ha!).

I feel that I do not know what the future looks like and finally that is ok.  I am putting all my trust into God’s plan for both Sam and myself right now. Sam is going to be SO supported in this program.  I know I have a great support system as well.  I can not emphasize enough how therapeutic it is for me to tell this story.

I look so forward to the day that we can truly know this…