In Between Two Lines

I was hoping and praying that this post would be of a different variety.  You know the kind where I announce that we are finally pregnant after months of fertility treatments. And while we did get pregnant (without a full fertility treatment)…7 weeks and 4 days into our journey we received the worst news of our lives.  “This scan is not going to be good unfortunately…”  Our baby was not going to make it.  This news was literally heart shattering.  After months of negative tests and being tested to find out why we were not getting pregnant… I really believed that this was our baby.  This was the one.  I prayed to God that once he gave us this miracle this magical unbelievable positive result that he would protect our child and he would protect me.  That he would guide me to do everything right to protect our child.

We told and celebrated with our families.  We built a crib.  We started planning.  We thought of names.  We talked about the future and how excited we were to become a party of three.  All this may sound crazy but we saw our baby.  We had a wonderful ultrasound at 6 weeks and we literally could see our baby forming.  Everything looked good…normal.  All the things you want to hear when you are trying to get pregnant.

10 days later our baby is gone.  I continued to pray that God would make me strong enough to get through this.  I prayed to him after our first dr visits to make my instincts wrong.  I had this terrible guttural feeling that something was not right with our baby.  There was nothing physically happening to make me think this.  I just knew.  And I broke down as far as I could go and prayed to God to make me wrong.  I would do anything to save this baby.

But there was nothing I could do.  I wanted to pour my heart out here because this rollercoaster that we are on is not a rollercoaster for two.  There are many riders that are going through the same thing we are .  1 and 5 women have a miscarriage.  Such a humbling amount of the people reading this have probably been touched somewhere along the line.  I am not alone but this is lonely.  The feeling is indescribable.  The loss is real.  The hurt is incredible.

Through all this I am still praying.  I am praying that since we got pregnant once that we can do it again.  I pray that I will be strong enough to handle getting pregnant again and all the risks, that this could happen again.  I am praying that God is along side of me and will alleviate all of the anxiety I have.  I wanted so badly for this to be our baby and it is.  It is our first baby but not our last.